Up for the Birds

“If you are pining for youth I think it produces a stereotypical old man because you only live in memory, you live in a place that doesn’t exist."
 -- David Bowie

I have found there are those who feel the weight of advancing age and those who do everything they possibly can to ignore or avoid it. I find myself somewhere in the middle.

At this time of year, when daylight comes before 6 am and the southerly winds are blowing in warmer temperature and northbound migrants, I put out the feeders and stand and listen to the chorus. Then I sit on the porch and watch which birds come. When I am restless and not tired, I think of my Old Self who would rise in the dark, dress, get in the car and rush out to Great Swamp to hike in the dawn's early light to find the birds that like that type of habitat such as yellow warblers. 

Wren nest box, awaiting the next tenant. (Margo D. Beller)

My Old Self, or my Crazy Self as MH calls it, felt compelled to do this because I worked five days a week a long way from home and weekend mornings were the only time I could do any birding. That hasn't been the case since I started working from home. 

Now I have plenty of time. What I don't have is plenty of energy. There are some mornings the only thing that pulls me out of bed is putting out the feeders for the birds. 

My New Self feels aches and pains every morning. While my mind is restless and eager to get out there and see (and hear) what I can find, my body doesn't always want to accommodate. So I stick to my house in the early morning and, after all those car commuters who must get to work have gone, I either walk in the area or take the car to a birding spot hours after the dawn chorus has ended.

It is a hard thing to acknowledge to yourself that you are aging and can no longer do the things you once did without a moment's hesitation. Nowadays, My New Self feels that hesitation all too often. What if I fall again? What if I get lost? What if I have a medical problem? What if I run into a predator - two- or four-legged? I usually travel alone because MH is not an early riser, but when we do travel together he is limited by his own physical ailments. I worry when we are out because if he is attacked, I'll be the one who will do the defending. Will I be able to keep us safe?

Blue-gray gnatcatcher, Cattus Island, April 13, 2019
(Margo D. Beller)

You can't live that way, MH tells me. And he is right about that. But right now I am compromising, doing my birdwatching from my property.

And what nice birdwatching it is. Today, a day after bird reports prompted me to put out the nest box, a house wren was singing in the backyard, soon to bring a female over to check out the accommodations. A Carolina wren was singing down the street. The male cardinal sang until it saw the feeder was out, at which point it flew down. Robins sang or ran across the yard. All told, I heard 22 different types of birds singing or calling, including four types of woodpeckers, all before 7 am. I even heard a blue-gray gnatcatcher, the first in my yard this season.

So it's not that bad, I tell myself. You make your accommodations and enjoy what you have.

But then, as I sit in my chair, I can't help but wonder, what am I missing out there?